Mom's Talk: Should Parents Use Embarrassment To Force Teens To Improve Grades?

Each week in Moms Talk, our Alpharetta-Milton Moms Council of experts and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions. And then you get to chime in through the comments' section below.

Q: Recently, a Tampa mother forced her 15-year-old son to stand on a street corner with a sign announcing he has bad grades. She justifies her actions and has said that she was trying to get him to raise his grades after nothing else worked. Some have said what she did was humiliating and wrong to the boy. What do you think? Would you do it?

A: First I will like to know if this low performance issue with this boy started overnight; was he very smart in elementary and middle school? Is he failing because of his actions and laziness or is he failing because he is overwhelmed with high school work and needs help?

These days, lot of things can contribute to low grades and low GPAs in high school. High school is not like elementary and middle schools; in high school you have to study daily. Some children have issues with keeping up with high school curriculum: class work; home works; quizzes, projects and tests in their first semester or first year in high school.

 It is our responsibilities as parents to prepare our kids for high school; we need to lecture them about paying attention, note taking, not missing class or home works. We also need to track their grades and activities. 

High school is different. Most kids do not know this, high school students need to study, take notes, and not miss school or home work. It’s always so hard to play catch ups. Children need to work hard and focus on their academic activities.

 These parents need to sit their son down, find out what the issues are and find a way of helping him. That is why we are parents, we need to help and advice our children not humiliate them. Carrying that card will not help this boy, homework help, extra lessons and encouragement will help this boy.

I am not judging these parents, I understand they are trying to help their child and maybe this approach does not look humiliating to them.

 I do not agree with the way this boy was treated by his parents, as parents we need to be able to discern the issues with our children and find a way of helping them.

Nike Lawal, mom of 3

A: This is a difficult question, and I'm not sure there is any one clear cut answer.  Sure it is easy to say that embarrassment will not work, that the parent is going about it the wrong way, but with a GPA like his, I'm curious what actions the school is taking. Does he have a learning disability? Is it simply attitude? Has he been given ample opportunities to do the right thing and take ownership of his grades?

This mom certainly thinks she is doing the right thing, and my guess is that if there was something the school could be/should be doing, she would have worked that avenue first. She did say his indifference at a school meeting was the final straw. So my guess is that he is showing disrespect to those that take their time out to help him, and that is unacceptable to the mom.

Some teenagers are just outright difficult to raise, and I caution anyone that hasn't had their fair share of teenager experience to judge a parent too harshly. Speaking from experience, I can't judge this mom without walking a mile in her particular parenting footsteps. To me she seems like a parent desperate to help her kid, resorting to the one things she knows gets his attention, and eventually, she will probably cool her jets, and once again try another approach to get assistance and get her son on the right track.

There are a lot of very successful people out there who credit their parents for their heavy hand in keeping them from disaster when they were just too young and immature to know they were only hurting themselves and their family. I would not doubt this young man will grow up to be successful at whatever he does because he has the strength to push back as much as he does, he has the (unfortunate at this time) guts to go his own way despite authority figures in his life, but lastly, he has the momma who isn't quitting on him. How many parents would just throw up their hands and give up??? THAT is the parent we need to worry about... not this one. 

Audrey Greenwood, mom of 3

A: As a mom of younger children, this is difficult for me to answer. As a former alternative education high school teacher, I can see the desperation that this mother has.

Often, when I was teaching and working closely with probation officers and the court system, I heard recommendations to parents that as a non-parent of a struggling teen were hard for me to understand. When parents and teachers just can not get through to teens and the teens are acting or not acting in ways that will affect them for the rest of their lives, it is time for desperate measures. This mom may have tried everything she could prior and humiliation was her last resort. 

I will be curious to see if her efforts had any impact on the boy. I have to say, she did what she thought was the right thing to do for her son. She acted and did not ignore the problem. I can not judge that. We all do our best as parents and we do not always make the right decisions according to others. Many parents discipline in different ways and everyone gets critisism for it. I do not spank my children and I have friends who do. None of us agree.  We do what we can and do our best to raise our kids. 

Would I do what she did? I don't know. My gut says no, but my oldest is only 10 years old and I can not imagine being the mom of a teenager yet.

Tammy Bester, mom of 3