Helping Kids Cope With Loss

When a tragedy occurs, typically adults have healthy coping skills to deal with grief. There are rituals—service with songs and a eulogy, going to a cemetery, etc...and the ability to share their thoughts verbally or through the written word. What happens when the bereaved are too young to speak, let alone understand their feelings?  

According to Amanda L Barnett EdS, NCC, LPC, of Counseling for Personal Growth & Career, LLC, “any change for a child is a big change. Changes equate to behavioral changes.” 

Some children may be old enough to communicate their thoughts, yet younger children are not. Since vocabulary is limited, it is difficult to have true counseling. Typically these very young children may express their feelings through behaviors. Night terrors, clinginess, and regression to less mature behaviors—relapse in toilet training, for example—are all common.

In the situation with the children of Shannon Lawrence and Christopher Erdman, now ages three and one, for example, they are experiencing the loss of their mother through death as well as the loss of the father due to incarceration. According to Barnett, “a lot depends on how grown-ups react/treat them [the children]” regarding their situation. 

“They know what the grown-ups are telling them and they know how the grown-ups are behaving. Trauma may come from what they’re being told," she said.

Barnett cautions that adults can re-traumatize the children with comments such as 'Daddy killed Mamma.' At best, the situation should be viewed as ‘a tragedy’ according to Barnett. 

While there is not a lot of research as to what age children are aware of loss and the permanence of death, experts agree that young children know what adults are telling them and see how the adults are behaving. In other words, the caretakers of these small children are coaching them how to act.

As for Emma and Peter, Barnett added, “they will have a sense of who their mom was. They will need to learn about their mom by proxy.”  Sharing stories about Shannon will give Emma and Peter an idea of who she was and how much she loved them. As for their father, there is still a chance for a relationship as he is still alive and they can visit him, if desired and allowed.    

There is hope, however. As long as children are allowed to have a grief process and to have good, strong caregivers, they can have a happy childhood. Adults need to let the children know that it is okay to be sad and that you don’t have to be sad all the time. “Kids are resilient,” according to Barnett. 

The best case scenario for these grieving children is to remind them they are not alone and they are loved. 

Barnett recommends counseling such as play therapy for children because "there is no rule book, especially not for children regarding loss. They can't journal. They can't read. Grown-ups have to help them."